Swinging Both Ways Doesn't Mean Swinging Your Way

[chasingtides]

Normally, I wouldn't post this because I attempt, most of the time, to keep rants off my journal. Ranting is something I usually save for real life and for friends who want to listen or, on the off chance I'm ranting about their behaviour, need to listen. However, I think most people are tired of this rant and I think the world, at this point, needs to listen, not just the people I choose to spend time with.

Now, to start this off, I'm going to give you a few facts about myself. Most of you probably already now that I'm bisexual. I identify as queer. I personally don't think it makes me any less queer that I like girls just as much as I like guys. You can disagree with that, I don't particularly care. You aren't going to change how I see myself. I'm someone who usually identifies as a 50-50 bisexual - I like girls just as much as I like guys. This might shift minutely (55-45 or vice versa) but I don't definitely prefer guys to girls or vice versa. I'm a textbook case of a Kinsey 3. (Oh, yes, this is a bisexual rant. Feel my angry, likes-both-genders fury.)

Part of this is that I'm tired of being told that I'm not really queer because I like men. I'm tired of being told I don't really like women/men because I do like men/women. I'm sick of being told that bisexuals don't exist. I'm also tired of my personal favourite - I might be capable of liking both men and women and being a decent person, but I'm not like most bisexuals. Most bisexuals, you see, it might be explained to me like I'm a small child or dumb dog, aren't like me, they are just using people and don't want relationships. I'm tired of bisexuals not being included in queer theory. I'm sick of people thinking I'm up for being their sex toy in the threesome that helps some chick figure out if she's really bi or gives the guy the chance to have his sexual fantasy. (If you think that buying me dinner and maybe a little present means I owe you sex, I think that's a bit like prostitution, you just aren't giving me cash.) I'm sick of reading queer theory that says bisexuals don't count or aren't real.

And I'm angry. I'm more than tired; I'm angry, too. I'm so angry that I'm tired and resigned to this, which makes me more angry. (Are you seeing a cycle? I am.) People tell me, well, you can pass, you're so lucky. (I cannot tell you how many people have told me this or how angry it makes me.) You know what? I usually don't have a fucking option about passing. You lesbians? When you walk down the street and hold your girlfriend's hand, you are telling the world who you are. You gays? When you kiss your boyfriend good-bye, you are telling the world who you are. You straights? When you move in with your significant other, the world knows who you are. If I hold a girlfriend's hand or kiss a boyfriend good-bye, do you know what the world sees? The world sees a lesbian or a straight girl. And if I chat with some guy at a bar who turns out to be a jackass looking for a Friday night lay and then see a cute girl playing pool in the back, do you know what I am doing? I am checking her out so some guy'll notice me because that's what college girls who claim they're bisexual do. I practically have to do back flips so that people will take my sexuality seriously. It's not even a phase or something I'll get over. It's something I'm claiming because it's trendy and cool. But I don't actually like girls. Not really. I think vaginas are icky. (Because, yeah, dick is so... amazing. Yeah. That's the word I'm looking for.)

(And yes, you can tell me right here and now that I can just tell people I'm bisexual and -poof- the passing issue is gone. No. First, it's sort of awkward to tell everyone from my garbage man to the librarian to my boss to my best friend about my sexual preferences. I mean, stopping people on the street to say I'm bisexual? Fairly creepy at the very least. Second, I go places where my sexuality is not welcome. This does not make me a bad queer, this makes me a good Irish-Catholic. Third, that's just awkward. I mean, my sexuality is my business, and I suppose, now, the business of the internet. Fourth, there are places where sexuality does not belong. Do I wish that I weren't likely passing as something I'm not at the office or in the classroom? Sure. That'd be great. It doesn't mean that it's appropriate for me to start discussing my sexuality in that setting. There's no way, of which I know, to let people know that I'm bi without stating it explicitly and there are place where that's not appropriate.)

Let me tell you how things are, for me. I like people. I tend to be attracted to the same things in both genders, so genitalia don't really matter to me. There have been times where I've thought, that's a really great girl, I'd love to date her. Wait she's a guy? Ok. I'd like to date him and vice versa. Whatever. I really don't care.

And while I've never been gay, I can't imagine that being bisexual is the easier road you seem to imagine it to be. I dealt with the same "Oh my god, I like girls, I can't like girls, oh my god" moment in high school. I even added extra internalised Christian morality (just add some "oh my god, I'm going to Hell") to that moment. It was fun times. (On the plus side, my Catholic high school did help me realise that maybe, just maybe, that wasn't going to happen.) I have to come out just the same as you. I have amazing stereotypes I need to overcome. (Hi. I'm a 21 year old bisexual college female. Why, no, I've never been on Girls Gone Wild. Why do you ask? No, I'm not a man-hating lesbian, either. Did you catch the bisexual part? Oh. Ok. Right. I'll go back to the invisible minority corner.) I've been trying to figure out how to answer my parents' inevitable question of "If you like boys and girls, why don't you just date boys?" I get to deal with disbelief from the queer community because I've never had a serious relationship with a woman (not for lack of trying on my part). I deal with being told, "Well, you look straight/like a dyke." (Does anyone ever look bisexual?)

Also, while there are polyamorous bisexuals, and I do know some, I am, in fact, a bisexual who practices serial monogamy. (It's like serial killing, but with less death.) We are not, contrary to popular belief, an endangered species. We are also not lying liars who lie. I am a person fully capable of liking both genders without dating both of them. (Are you asexual when you're single? I didn't think so.) I'm also capable of liking both genders without ever having had a threesome with a guy and girl, so stop asking. In fact, please stop thinking about it because you're making me uncomfortable. I like having a committed romantic relationship with one other person. This makes me neither snob nor liar. This makes me me. If you're so bothered by the concept, don't date me.

So, let's get some things right, world. I don't "get" to pass. Unless I want to tattoo "bisexual" to my forehead, I am forced to pass as something I'm not, whatever I do. While you, world, might like the idea of passing, not having an option is decidedly unpleasant. I am not "in it" so I can be on Girls Gone Wild. Seriously. I'm not "in it" for the threesomes. I'm not "in it" so I can have the best of both worlds. (What does that even mean? Seriously?) I'm not going to give you detailed descriptions of my sexploits.

But I am real. And I am here. I'm also, I know, not the only one who feels this way. Sure, there are girls who are making out with chicks in bars to get that guy. I won't tell you they aren't there. But I can't say whether or not they are actually attracted to those girls. I will tell you that plenty of straight and gay people use people, too, so bisexuals certainly don't have a monopoly on that game. Sure, there are polyamorous bisexuals. I'm not one of them. I figure there must be some bisexual women out there who want to be the sex toy in your threesome (but, seriously, not here and I don't know where because it's something that every bisexual woman I know complains about. And no actually and honestly means no. So does fuck off.)

Maybe you don't think I'm as queer as you. Maybe you don't think I'm as queer as that gay couple in the corner. I don't care. But don't call me straight if you think that, because I'm not. And don't say that if I'm queer, I'm gay. I'm not.

Comments

[angstnokami.livejournal.com]

Right on. THANK YOU.

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I think I started rambling toward the end (several years of mostly pent up anger in one post can do that). Hopefully I made sense.

[dragynflies.livejournal.com]

I could totally have written this myself. 22 year old kinky bisexual...maybe I should just do porn. ;)

Verbose is an aspiration, not an insult.....

[red-handed.livejournal.com]

I forget sometimes that I live in a GLBTQ Mecca compared to, like, everywhere....

I identify as queer now, but when I first started becoming aware of my sexuality, I identified as bisexual. Actually, I was aware that I was bisexual before I even knew what that was. I remember a time when I lived in ignorant bliss and had no idea people would treat me different or even that it was something to hide (I was raised by older people and I was a bit sheltered until I was about twelve. They also encourage my tomboyishness).

Then I told my older cousin about my first kiss and how she was ~so cool~, needless to say he freaked. That was the first time I felt different, like I didn't have anywhere to fit in. It just got worse after that. I thought certainly my church of almost 10 years would still accept me and when that didn't work out I thought the gay community would. But oh, since I wasn't *completely* gay I didn't belong there either....now I say bullocks to it all.

In short, I'm trying to say I'm right there with you. I sure don't know exactly what prompted this rant but I do know the frustration your expressing here.

Also queer is queer. Period. Identifying as queer means your sexuality and/or gender identity either can't be labeled, or you don't want it to be. There aren't levels of queerness one qualifies for, and I'd love to smack people who think that.

IMO queer should be a term that includes all non100% straight people. It shouldn't be a term of exclusion. But yeah ~*~rambling~*~

Also: serial monogamy FTW \0/

Re: Verbose is an aspiration, not an insult.....

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

Well, I theoretically also live in a GLBTQ Mecca, but I find I get flack from the gay community (both men and women). Less so at school, which is totally a mecca of all things queer, but definitely at home where I spend a lot of time either in the closet or with people who identify as homosexual. I'm not sure how hurtful comments like, "Well, you can pass" or "Oh, he [the bisexual guy over there] is just using people. He's really just gay" are.

And on the internet. I've heard people say, "On the internet everyone's bisexual" which is a pile of stinking BS. I've come across more open hostility on the tubes than anywhere else. This rant was actually sparked by two things: a terrible stinking pile of anti-bisexual queer theory and someone (admittedly a troll) who was trying to gauge the biphobic sentiments over at lesbian. While I don't agree with said person's tactics, some of the gay communities here on LJ have been known for their vitriolic bi-hostile comments.

I haven't come out to folks at home yet, as it is Irish-Catholic, but I wish to when I am no longer living on their roof. But the best, most heart warming reaction I've had yet was from my uncle the Catholic priest. Rather than the expected reaction (he first started seminary before Vatican II) when he mistook a close friend for a girlfriend, he wanted to get to know her and asked why I didn't bring her around more often. It was awkward, but warming nonetheless.

The OED, sadly, defines queer as homosexual. It defines queer theory thusly: queer theory n. (also with capital initials) orig. U.S. an approach to social and cultural study which seeks to challenge or deconstruct traditional ideas of sexuality and gender, esp. the acceptance of heterosexuality as normative and the perception of a rigid dichotomy of male and female traits. I will be a happy tide chaser when queer is someone who does not subscribe to traditional ideas of sexuality and gender.

[paisleycat.livejournal.com]

Wow, I totally feel this rant. As a non 50-50 bisexual my issues are so very similar, but not quite the same. Being a married woman, who is far more attracted to women in general than to men in general, is complicated. Your discussion of "passing" is very thoughtful.

What theorists do a better or less good job at including or theorizing bisexuality, in your opinion?

Do you think modern categorization of homo/hetero/bi is a reasonable primary categorization scheme of sexuality? Because it isn't the only scheme in histoy, it just happens to be the popular one right now.

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

"Passing" is really interesting to me right now. While I'm still equally attracted to men and women, right now I'm more interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman and I've gotten a fair amount of "Oh so you're a lesbian now" reactions. Somehow I'm passing as a lesbian when normally, I suppose, in the past I passed as straight as I was often in relationships with men. Then there was a shift and suddenly I'm being treated differently. I wonder what it would be like (and what it would take) if I were recognised as queer and being attracted to both genders.

I've actually been reading bi theory to console myself after reading queer theory for my thesis. (I do believe in non-monosexuals. I do! I do!) I am currently enjoying Beth A. Firstein's Bisexuality as Paradigm Shift article. I find bi theory really an interesting place - a lot of it, at least what I've been reading, focuses on sexual fluidity and that there are places to be other than 100% heterosexual and 100% homosexual. On the other hand, this rant was inspire by yet another queer theorist who didn't want to believe bisexuals counted as queers.

I do object to the homo/hetero/bi categorization schematic. I think it pigeonholes people quite a bit. It's one reason I call myself queer. I'm usually equally like to be attracted to men or women (as I mentioned before, I'm attracted to the same thing in both genders, mostly, so it's a coin toss whether or not someone has those characteristics), but I've also been attracted to transfolk and people who don't identify with one gender or another. Where does that then place me? I'm not sure. Queer, I think. I believe, also, that sexuality is fluid. While right now I like men as much as women, in high school, I was more likely to be attracted to the female form than the male one. I still liked men, I just liked women more. My attraction might shift again in the future. I'm not terribly bothered by that fact - it will happen when it happens.

[nightengalesknd.livejournal.com]

I am asexual when I'm single. Actually, that's why I'm single.

But you are 100% right about the way society insists on pigeonholing people. Pigeonholes are for pidgeons.

[lunalovegoddess.livejournal.com]

I'm in total agreement about society's need to categorize and pigeonhole people. There is so much more to me than my sexuality.

To quote Captain Jack Harkness:
"You people and your quaint little categories..."

[lunalovegoddess.livejournal.com]

*applause*

I've come across the same stereotypes about bisexuality. Like you, I'm also a 50/50, serial monogamist bisexual. My husband, for the record, now identifies as queer, since he considers himself more straight than bisexual, but is attracted to transsexuals. We both believe that sexuality is far more nuanced or fluid than it seems, and that love is genderless.

About a year ago, we discussed in great detail whether the fantasy of sharing a partner would be damaging to our marriage if made reality. We agreed that we'd rather be honest first about our attraction than be unfaithful to each other. We're still committed to each other, and recognize that we do not have the luxury of acting on those fantasies since we have children together. If things ended badly, it would affect them as well.


After I came out, I found that everyone assumed that being bisexual meant that I was promiscuous, that I wouldn't mind servicing any couple that approached me, and that I must be into every kink under the sun. I hated the idea that if I wanted to be with a girl, I had to accept her boyfriend as part of a package deal, regardless of our lack of compatibility. While I'm not opposed to a ménage a trois, I'm not into casual sex. Plus, I believe that in the long run, it is extremely difficult to maintain an equilateral relationship between three people, because, for me, I must be emotionally involved with both partners.

You make an excellent point: I felt like a sex toy when I was involved in threesomes. I did not feel respected or truly liked, and on one occasion, I felt coerced into letting the guy do stuff to me. Complicating matters was that I had been raped about a year before that, by the same guy. (The most that he'd acknowledge was that perhaps he "was too rough during sex, but c'mon, you like it that way".) Because of that incident, I decided that I would not let anyone use me like that again, not even my best friend.

[lunalovegoddess.livejournal.com]

Oh! I remembered the other pertinent thing I had to say:

Although I'd been out in college, back home my mom did not pick up on the clues I'd been dropping. So, naturally, when I told her the reason why I wasn't ready to marry Bryan, she did not want to believe it.

My mom's reaction to me coming out:
"But... you're pregnant!"

*rolls eyes* "Well, yeah; even lesbians can get pregnant, you know..."

[moonvoice.livejournal.com]

I'm pansexual (I realised that bisexual didn't really suit me, because I've fallen for people who identify as neither male nor female), and a lot of your rant really speaks to me.

Part of this is that I'm tired of being told that I'm not really queer because I like men.

*nods* I have this too because I've been with Glen for five years, I'm not bisexual/pansexual anymore. WTF? Does that mean that if you're not having sex with men as a gay man, you're suddenly not a gay man anymore? It's so fucked up.

Bisexual erasure / biphobia is really really strong in society. As one of the reviewers said about Brokeback Mountain, he basically said those cowboys weren't gay, they were bisexual, but no one ever said it, because it was like it was a dirty word. They had to be gay cowboys, not bisexual ones. But they're BI!!!

Most bisexuals...they are just using people and don't want relationships.

Yeah, most bisexuals actually don't fit this category.

I'd like to draw your attention to this article by makhsihed on biphobia and bisexual erasure. I think you'd really enjoy it:

http://makhsihed.livejournal.com/143988.html

I can't imagine that being bisexual is the easier road you seem to imagine it to be.

I'm not sure about you, but I've fronted more persecution (and some of it extremely aggressive) from gay folks, than I have from straight. I've had friends who I helped / supported when they outed themselves who actually said to me 'you're a fucking disgusting joke that you would attempt to give us such a bad name in this way.' Yup. Friends. Go figure. When I outed myself as bisexual I had no support from my gay friends. Nothing.

In the end I joined Bileswa, a bisexual/lesbian group of women in Western Australia. I met up with them, and I met a very supportive group of women who were accepting and weren't going to call me a joke just because I didn't care whether it was a dick or a vagina that I was going down on at the end of the day. That I didn't care which 'gender' I spent the rest of my life with.

We can identify as Queer, and we have a right to be accepted in the GLBIQ community if we want to be.

I think it's time us bisexual/pansexual folk stood up to be counted.

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the link. That was a great read. I think I need to print that.

I guess if falling for people who don't fall into traditional sex/gender categories makes a person pansexual rather than bisexual, I suppose I'm pansexual. I've definitely fallen for such people.

I've definitely faced a lot of persecution from gay folks. I will say that I know and interact with far more gay people than straight people. But I definitely get a lot of hostility from gay folks. As I said in a previous comment, part of this rant stemmed from a reaction to the LJ community lesbian. My discussion of the anger-inducing "you're not like those bisexuals" stems from reactions from homosexual friends. And relatives. I think every homosexual-identifying relative I have has spoken poorly of bisexuals. On the other hand, I feel similar anger when a straight man says, "You're hot" when I say I like women, too, or when a straight couple thinks I'd make an awesome sex toy.

On the other hand, I've found some great queer groups. My friends at school have, for the most part, been supportive and non-hostile about my bisexuality, especially when I came out for the first time to them. I found a great queer knitting group where gays, lesbians, and bisexuals of all stripes are accepted, although we hope you knit if you join up. I hope to find a queer group wherever I end up for grad school that's just as accepting. But I think it's really sad that it's a concern to find a queer group that accepts people who are in the middle of the Kinsey scale.

[foldingstar.livejournal.com]

Again, it all seems to be about people pigeon-holing other people, placing them in lovely little boxes with labels on to say this is what this person is etc.

Yes, you are bisexual, but this does not make you the exact copy of every other bisexual out there. Yes, some bisexual people may be in it to look "cool" or to get that guy who is looking at them whilst they are kissing a girl! Or it might be a bisexual who loves the idea of threesomes etc. Or it is a bisexual like yourself, someone who is truly attracted to both sexes in equal measures and that is how you identify. It is not the sexual thing only but it is also about the person, you are attracted to people. These ARE all generalisations of course because it does not really define who a person really is.

I am gay, yet I found myself attracted to a woman. What am I then? Am I to now identify as bisexual? Could it be that I am just attracted to those people I find attracted and that I should not limit myself to just being one thing? Should a label really matter? Does it really matter what the fuck a person thinks about me?

Okay, I am gay. I am an out gay. This does not mean I tell every I meet. EVERYONE new I meet instantly identifies me as straight. No-one assumes I am gay at all. I am not a flamer, or camp etc etc. I am not the usual stereotype of an out gay man so people naturally assume I am straight. I do not hide my sexuality but in the same way I do not flaunt it. Personally I do not think it is anyones business but if someone asks I will tell them. It used to annoy me that people made assumptions about my sexuality but now I could not give two hoots.

The point is that YOU know who you are, you are sorted in that area. People are always going to make assumptions about you based on their own way of looking at things and it will feel like an upward battle to get through to some people over this issue. It is frustrating and it most definitely unfair, but then the world is full of people who just like to place others in some neat and tidy compartment!

This is a good place to get your frustrations out and you have a very valid point. I have a gay friend, one of my closest friends, who argues that bisexuals do not exist, that a bisexual is someone in denial about what sexuality they really are. He thinks bisexuality is the midway point for someone before they identify themself as fully gay or just straight. I cannot count how many times we have got into a heated discussion about this, with me saying how wrong his POV is. I mean here is someone who is gay, who says he is accepting of all types of people, yet he does not believe bisexuality exists?! WTF?! But there is no reasoning with him, this is the way he views it.

I do not really know what I am trying to say here, however I think the important thing is that you know who you are and that you should not try too hard explaining yourself to others. You do not have to, as long as you are happy then that is all that matters. Please do not frustrate yourself too much over the ignorance of other people. I understand the frustation and I think it is good to have this outlet for it and I am with your 100%!

[batshua]

YES.

*hugs*