![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Normally, I wouldn't post this because I attempt, most of the time, to keep rants off my journal. Ranting is something I usually save for real life and for friends who want to listen or, on the off chance I'm ranting about their behaviour, need to listen. However, I think most people are tired of this rant and I think the world, at this point, needs to listen, not just the people I choose to spend time with.
Now, to start this off, I'm going to give you a few facts about myself. Most of you probably already now that I'm bisexual. I identify as queer. I personally don't think it makes me any less queer that I like girls just as much as I like guys. You can disagree with that, I don't particularly care. You aren't going to change how I see myself. I'm someone who usually identifies as a 50-50 bisexual - I like girls just as much as I like guys. This might shift minutely (55-45 or vice versa) but I don't definitely prefer guys to girls or vice versa. I'm a textbook case of a Kinsey 3. (Oh, yes, this is a bisexual rant. Feel my angry, likes-both-genders fury.)
Part of this is that I'm tired of being told that I'm not really queer because I like men. I'm tired of being told I don't really like women/men because I do like men/women. I'm sick of being told that bisexuals don't exist. I'm also tired of my personal favourite - I might be capable of liking both men and women and being a decent person, but I'm not like most bisexuals. Most bisexuals, you see, it might be explained to me like I'm a small child or dumb dog, aren't like me, they are just using people and don't want relationships. I'm tired of bisexuals not being included in queer theory. I'm sick of people thinking I'm up for being their sex toy in the threesome that helps some chick figure out if she's really bi or gives the guy the chance to have his sexual fantasy. (If you think that buying me dinner and maybe a little present means I owe you sex, I think that's a bit like prostitution, you just aren't giving me cash.) I'm sick of reading queer theory that says bisexuals don't count or aren't real.
And I'm angry. I'm more than tired; I'm angry, too. I'm so angry that I'm tired and resigned to this, which makes me more angry. (Are you seeing a cycle? I am.) People tell me, well, you can pass, you're so lucky. (I cannot tell you how many people have told me this or how angry it makes me.) You know what? I usually don't have a fucking option about passing. You lesbians? When you walk down the street and hold your girlfriend's hand, you are telling the world who you are. You gays? When you kiss your boyfriend good-bye, you are telling the world who you are. You straights? When you move in with your significant other, the world knows who you are. If I hold a girlfriend's hand or kiss a boyfriend good-bye, do you know what the world sees? The world sees a lesbian or a straight girl. And if I chat with some guy at a bar who turns out to be a jackass looking for a Friday night lay and then see a cute girl playing pool in the back, do you know what I am doing? I am checking her out so some guy'll notice me because that's what college girls who claim they're bisexual do. I practically have to do back flips so that people will take my sexuality seriously. It's not even a phase or something I'll get over. It's something I'm claiming because it's trendy and cool. But I don't actually like girls. Not really. I think vaginas are icky. (Because, yeah, dick is so... amazing. Yeah. That's the word I'm looking for.)
(And yes, you can tell me right here and now that I can just tell people I'm bisexual and -poof- the passing issue is gone. No. First, it's sort of awkward to tell everyone from my garbage man to the librarian to my boss to my best friend about my sexual preferences. I mean, stopping people on the street to say I'm bisexual? Fairly creepy at the very least. Second, I go places where my sexuality is not welcome. This does not make me a bad queer, this makes me a good Irish-Catholic. Third, that's just awkward. I mean, my sexuality is my business, and I suppose, now, the business of the internet. Fourth, there are places where sexuality does not belong. Do I wish that I weren't likely passing as something I'm not at the office or in the classroom? Sure. That'd be great. It doesn't mean that it's appropriate for me to start discussing my sexuality in that setting. There's no way, of which I know, to let people know that I'm bi without stating it explicitly and there are place where that's not appropriate.)
Let me tell you how things are, for me. I like people. I tend to be attracted to the same things in both genders, so genitalia don't really matter to me. There have been times where I've thought, that's a really great girl, I'd love to date her. Wait she's a guy? Ok. I'd like to date him and vice versa. Whatever. I really don't care.
And while I've never been gay, I can't imagine that being bisexual is the easier road you seem to imagine it to be. I dealt with the same "Oh my god, I like girls, I can't like girls, oh my god" moment in high school. I even added extra internalised Christian morality (just add some "oh my god, I'm going to Hell") to that moment. It was fun times. (On the plus side, my Catholic high school did help me realise that maybe, just maybe, that wasn't going to happen.) I have to come out just the same as you. I have amazing stereotypes I need to overcome. (Hi. I'm a 21 year old bisexual college female. Why, no, I've never been on Girls Gone Wild. Why do you ask? No, I'm not a man-hating lesbian, either. Did you catch the bisexual part? Oh. Ok. Right. I'll go back to the invisible minority corner.) I've been trying to figure out how to answer my parents' inevitable question of "If you like boys and girls, why don't you just date boys?" I get to deal with disbelief from the queer community because I've never had a serious relationship with a woman (not for lack of trying on my part). I deal with being told, "Well, you look straight/like a dyke." (Does anyone ever look bisexual?)
Also, while there are polyamorous bisexuals, and I do know some, I am, in fact, a bisexual who practices serial monogamy. (It's like serial killing, but with less death.) We are not, contrary to popular belief, an endangered species. We are also not lying liars who lie. I am a person fully capable of liking both genders without dating both of them. (Are you asexual when you're single? I didn't think so.) I'm also capable of liking both genders without ever having had a threesome with a guy and girl, so stop asking. In fact, please stop thinking about it because you're making me uncomfortable. I like having a committed romantic relationship with one other person. This makes me neither snob nor liar. This makes me me. If you're so bothered by the concept, don't date me.
So, let's get some things right, world. I don't "get" to pass. Unless I want to tattoo "bisexual" to my forehead, I am forced to pass as something I'm not, whatever I do. While you, world, might like the idea of passing, not having an option is decidedly unpleasant. I am not "in it" so I can be on Girls Gone Wild. Seriously. I'm not "in it" for the threesomes. I'm not "in it" so I can have the best of both worlds. (What does that even mean? Seriously?) I'm not going to give you detailed descriptions of my sexploits.
But I am real. And I am here. I'm also, I know, not the only one who feels this way. Sure, there are girls who are making out with chicks in bars to get that guy. I won't tell you they aren't there. But I can't say whether or not they are actually attracted to those girls. I will tell you that plenty of straight and gay people use people, too, so bisexuals certainly don't have a monopoly on that game. Sure, there are polyamorous bisexuals. I'm not one of them. I figure there must be some bisexual women out there who want to be the sex toy in your threesome (but, seriously, not here and I don't know where because it's something that every bisexual woman I know complains about. And no actually and honestly means no. So does fuck off.)
Maybe you don't think I'm as queer as you. Maybe you don't think I'm as queer as that gay couple in the corner. I don't care. But don't call me straight if you think that, because I'm not. And don't say that if I'm queer, I'm gay. I'm not.
Now, to start this off, I'm going to give you a few facts about myself. Most of you probably already now that I'm bisexual. I identify as queer. I personally don't think it makes me any less queer that I like girls just as much as I like guys. You can disagree with that, I don't particularly care. You aren't going to change how I see myself. I'm someone who usually identifies as a 50-50 bisexual - I like girls just as much as I like guys. This might shift minutely (55-45 or vice versa) but I don't definitely prefer guys to girls or vice versa. I'm a textbook case of a Kinsey 3. (Oh, yes, this is a bisexual rant. Feel my angry, likes-both-genders fury.)
Part of this is that I'm tired of being told that I'm not really queer because I like men. I'm tired of being told I don't really like women/men because I do like men/women. I'm sick of being told that bisexuals don't exist. I'm also tired of my personal favourite - I might be capable of liking both men and women and being a decent person, but I'm not like most bisexuals. Most bisexuals, you see, it might be explained to me like I'm a small child or dumb dog, aren't like me, they are just using people and don't want relationships. I'm tired of bisexuals not being included in queer theory. I'm sick of people thinking I'm up for being their sex toy in the threesome that helps some chick figure out if she's really bi or gives the guy the chance to have his sexual fantasy. (If you think that buying me dinner and maybe a little present means I owe you sex, I think that's a bit like prostitution, you just aren't giving me cash.) I'm sick of reading queer theory that says bisexuals don't count or aren't real.
And I'm angry. I'm more than tired; I'm angry, too. I'm so angry that I'm tired and resigned to this, which makes me more angry. (Are you seeing a cycle? I am.) People tell me, well, you can pass, you're so lucky. (I cannot tell you how many people have told me this or how angry it makes me.) You know what? I usually don't have a fucking option about passing. You lesbians? When you walk down the street and hold your girlfriend's hand, you are telling the world who you are. You gays? When you kiss your boyfriend good-bye, you are telling the world who you are. You straights? When you move in with your significant other, the world knows who you are. If I hold a girlfriend's hand or kiss a boyfriend good-bye, do you know what the world sees? The world sees a lesbian or a straight girl. And if I chat with some guy at a bar who turns out to be a jackass looking for a Friday night lay and then see a cute girl playing pool in the back, do you know what I am doing? I am checking her out so some guy'll notice me because that's what college girls who claim they're bisexual do. I practically have to do back flips so that people will take my sexuality seriously. It's not even a phase or something I'll get over. It's something I'm claiming because it's trendy and cool. But I don't actually like girls. Not really. I think vaginas are icky. (Because, yeah, dick is so... amazing. Yeah. That's the word I'm looking for.)
(And yes, you can tell me right here and now that I can just tell people I'm bisexual and -poof- the passing issue is gone. No. First, it's sort of awkward to tell everyone from my garbage man to the librarian to my boss to my best friend about my sexual preferences. I mean, stopping people on the street to say I'm bisexual? Fairly creepy at the very least. Second, I go places where my sexuality is not welcome. This does not make me a bad queer, this makes me a good Irish-Catholic. Third, that's just awkward. I mean, my sexuality is my business, and I suppose, now, the business of the internet. Fourth, there are places where sexuality does not belong. Do I wish that I weren't likely passing as something I'm not at the office or in the classroom? Sure. That'd be great. It doesn't mean that it's appropriate for me to start discussing my sexuality in that setting. There's no way, of which I know, to let people know that I'm bi without stating it explicitly and there are place where that's not appropriate.)
Let me tell you how things are, for me. I like people. I tend to be attracted to the same things in both genders, so genitalia don't really matter to me. There have been times where I've thought, that's a really great girl, I'd love to date her. Wait she's a guy? Ok. I'd like to date him and vice versa. Whatever. I really don't care.
And while I've never been gay, I can't imagine that being bisexual is the easier road you seem to imagine it to be. I dealt with the same "Oh my god, I like girls, I can't like girls, oh my god" moment in high school. I even added extra internalised Christian morality (just add some "oh my god, I'm going to Hell") to that moment. It was fun times. (On the plus side, my Catholic high school did help me realise that maybe, just maybe, that wasn't going to happen.) I have to come out just the same as you. I have amazing stereotypes I need to overcome. (Hi. I'm a 21 year old bisexual college female. Why, no, I've never been on Girls Gone Wild. Why do you ask? No, I'm not a man-hating lesbian, either. Did you catch the bisexual part? Oh. Ok. Right. I'll go back to the invisible minority corner.) I've been trying to figure out how to answer my parents' inevitable question of "If you like boys and girls, why don't you just date boys?" I get to deal with disbelief from the queer community because I've never had a serious relationship with a woman (not for lack of trying on my part). I deal with being told, "Well, you look straight/like a dyke." (Does anyone ever look bisexual?)
Also, while there are polyamorous bisexuals, and I do know some, I am, in fact, a bisexual who practices serial monogamy. (It's like serial killing, but with less death.) We are not, contrary to popular belief, an endangered species. We are also not lying liars who lie. I am a person fully capable of liking both genders without dating both of them. (Are you asexual when you're single? I didn't think so.) I'm also capable of liking both genders without ever having had a threesome with a guy and girl, so stop asking. In fact, please stop thinking about it because you're making me uncomfortable. I like having a committed romantic relationship with one other person. This makes me neither snob nor liar. This makes me me. If you're so bothered by the concept, don't date me.
So, let's get some things right, world. I don't "get" to pass. Unless I want to tattoo "bisexual" to my forehead, I am forced to pass as something I'm not, whatever I do. While you, world, might like the idea of passing, not having an option is decidedly unpleasant. I am not "in it" so I can be on Girls Gone Wild. Seriously. I'm not "in it" for the threesomes. I'm not "in it" so I can have the best of both worlds. (What does that even mean? Seriously?) I'm not going to give you detailed descriptions of my sexploits.
But I am real. And I am here. I'm also, I know, not the only one who feels this way. Sure, there are girls who are making out with chicks in bars to get that guy. I won't tell you they aren't there. But I can't say whether or not they are actually attracted to those girls. I will tell you that plenty of straight and gay people use people, too, so bisexuals certainly don't have a monopoly on that game. Sure, there are polyamorous bisexuals. I'm not one of them. I figure there must be some bisexual women out there who want to be the sex toy in your threesome (but, seriously, not here and I don't know where because it's something that every bisexual woman I know complains about. And no actually and honestly means no. So does fuck off.)
Maybe you don't think I'm as queer as you. Maybe you don't think I'm as queer as that gay couple in the corner. I don't care. But don't call me straight if you think that, because I'm not. And don't say that if I'm queer, I'm gay. I'm not.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
I've come across the same stereotypes about bisexuality. Like you, I'm also a 50/50, serial monogamist bisexual. My husband, for the record, now identifies as queer, since he considers himself more straight than bisexual, but is attracted to transsexuals. We both believe that sexuality is far more nuanced or fluid than it seems, and that love is genderless.
About a year ago, we discussed in great detail whether the fantasy of sharing a partner would be damaging to our marriage if made reality. We agreed that we'd rather be honest first about our attraction than be unfaithful to each other. We're still committed to each other, and recognize that we do not have the luxury of acting on those fantasies since we have children together. If things ended badly, it would affect them as well.
After I came out, I found that everyone assumed that being bisexual meant that I was promiscuous, that I wouldn't mind servicing any couple that approached me, and that I must be into every kink under the sun. I hated the idea that if I wanted to be with a girl, I had to accept her boyfriend as part of a package deal, regardless of our lack of compatibility. While I'm not opposed to a ménage a trois, I'm not into casual sex. Plus, I believe that in the long run, it is extremely difficult to maintain an equilateral relationship between three people, because, for me, I must be emotionally involved with both partners.
You make an excellent point: I felt like a sex toy when I was involved in threesomes. I did not feel respected or truly liked, and on one occasion, I felt coerced into letting the guy do stuff to me. Complicating matters was that I had been raped about a year before that, by the same guy. (The most that he'd acknowledge was that perhaps he "was too rough during sex, but c'mon, you like it that way".) Because of that incident, I decided that I would not let anyone use me like that again, not even my best friend.