Reason #482 I'm Not Out to My Family

[chasingtides]

I already tweeted about this, but I feel the need to mark it here as well.

I had a conversation with my mother over tea this morning, as I often do. We were talking about a friend of my parents who works for the local DA's office. Then she mentioned that the DA's office had been involved with a family where my parents sort-of know the father. He's been around the house a few times and done work here (he's in the trades).

It turns out that after he and his wife got a divorce, she started dating a local woman. And then he tried to kill them. He ran them off the road and threatened to kill them, etc.

And then - my mother basically defended his right to do this. Oh, she'd left their kids at her home when she'd been out on a date with her girlfriend. (Their oldest boy is either preteens or early teens.) Oh, he'd just snapped. Oh, he's from the old country and doesn't hold with divorce. Oh, she'd left him for a woman.

The shit icing on the crap cake? He just got community service. That's it.

(He also lost custody of the kids and I got the impression he's not allowed contact with them. My mother sees this as a great injustice. I see the fact that he attempted murder and only got community service and lost custody of his kids to be the injustice. And I can't imagine what it would be like to grow up, knowing your father tried to kill your mother, just because she dared to express, publicly, love for a woman.)

I am leaving this unlocked because I think this is the kind of thing that everyone needs to read.

Comments

[maladaptive.livejournal.com]

I fucking HATE the provocation defense. It makes me see red with rage. It's such utter nonsense in the way it's used, especially when you realize that it's usually used for men, and get these statistics:

Men who kill their wives average 4 years of jail time.
Women who kill their husbands average 20*

Know why? Because a woman should just put up with it or walk away, but he's PROVOKED. And yet women are the hysterical, overemotional sex.

Sorry that's a tangent, your mother's defense of this guy's behavior has me spitting mad.

*Granted, I believe these numbers are from a decade ago or so, but provocation is still a pretty commonly used defense for why men just "snap."

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

And in this case, he's "provoked" because his wife is dating a woman. But apparently that's valid provocation for trying to kill two women.

How hard is it to understand? It is *not* okay to kill someone because you don't like who they are dating. It is *not* okay to kill someone because of the color of their skin. It is *not* okay to kill someone because of their gender. It is *not* okay to kill someone because they are ending their romantic involvement with you. In fact, there are very few cases where it is okay to kill someone.

My mother's defense about the children really got under my skin. Now the kids are first generation in this country. It's now been in the papers that their father tried to kill their mother and their mother's girlfriend. Their father isn't allowed contact with them. My mother was talking about how horrible this is for the children, being separated from their father and having no one to turn to through the difficulties in their lives.

I pointed out that they still have their mother and her girlfriend. My mother protested that she knows a guy who met the girlfriend twice when she was in college and says that the girlfriend is crazy, so obviously the girlfriend is no good for the kids. And if the mother is dating her - dating women at all, really - how could her sons expect support/help/love from her?

And I don't really have words for that. Their father tried to kill their mother. I don't know how you could be a worse influence. And I also don't see how loving someone of your own sex makes you incapable of loving and supporting your children.

This idea that children need their biological parents - both biological parents - in their lives at all costs scares me.

(Consider also that my mother has had issues with her ex-husband and his convoluted ideas of what that means about his role in her life

[cormallen.livejournal.com]

Sounds like our mothers could really enjoy tea together. *sigh*

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

This is the same woman who taught me, as child, that hurting people is wrong.

She is aghast and beside herself at racial crimes.

But orientation related crimes are apparently a-okay. As are, judging from this, gender-related crimes.

I feel safe.

[straykim.livejournal.com]

All those reasons your mother listed to defend that man are bullshit. I cannot explain how shocked I am that a man got community service for attempted murder. In what way is community service a suitable form of punishment? Nice way for the judicial system to fail here.

Why is the world filled with such incredibly stupid people?

[faunaana.livejournal.com]

>:[

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

This week? SUCKS. I want a re-do.

(I would also like to apply for a new mother. Or, at least, a second one who can show my current mother exactly why I looked like I was going to throw up when she was talking. Do you know where I file the papers?)

[faunaana.livejournal.com]

Do you know where I file the papers?

I'm looking for that, too. OY.

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

There's consistency in the "Women are always asking for it" but I'm not down with getting that from my primary female role model.

Going on a date with your girlfriend after you're legally separated and divorced from your husband is not, in my world, asking to be murdered. (Anymore than drinking at a party is asking to be raped.) I need older adults who understand basic human decency in my life.

[cherrymmm.livejournal.com]

"I would also like to apply for a new mother. "

I'll be your alterna-mom. It breaks my heart that your own mother doesn't really get to know you and it's her own fault. I have lotsa kids that are adopted by me cuz they want a mom they can talk to. There are lotsa gay kids in that mix too. Some of them call me the rainbos coalition mom. Hee! Oh, and they are all adult "kids".

Point is, it makes me sad that you can't be yourself with yours. *hugs you*

[jameserin.livejournal.com]

ugh, that makes me ill.

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

On so many levels.

There only two parts that don't make me sick - both women lived and the father no longer has contact with his children.

[ninaleigh615.livejournal.com]

I am quickly losing faith in the world...*sigh*

[woodstarling.livejournal.com]

That is complete and total bullshit. >C

[lucythedragon.livejournal.com]

I don't think violence of any sort, whether "provoked" or not should be tolerated. Once you resort to those tactics, you don't get to come to the negotiation table anymore.

Man, it's so weird when your parents are hypocritical. Like, my mom yells at me for being racist when I'm not, but she is always making jokes about Oriental drivers. :\

I'm sorry you can't come out, that must really suck. My aunt still can't be open about her sexuality to my grandma because she's an uber-bigot. I hope your mom has her horizons widened soon, for both your sakes.

[chasingtides.livejournal.com]

The only time I think violence is okay is in self defense. (Ex. If a guy is coming at you with a knife, you should be able to punch him out.)

At this point - how do I go to my mother and say, "Hey, mom, I don't really consider gender when I choose who to date. And I might be a little gnederqueer. I guess people can just shoot me on the street now, right?"

[lucythedragon.livejournal.com]

I don't consider self-defense to be a violent act, though, which makes it different. Kung-fu not bombs, ppl.

Who knows, maybe you coming out is what your mom needs to humanize people of different sexualities. That could be her horizon-widening moment. Though I don't know your family so that might not be the best advice; I don't want to encourage you to do something you're uncomfortable with or that could get you ostracized.

[ibroketuesday.livejournal.com]

I HATE HOMOPHOBIA. >_> I'm homophobephobic.

[shrewreader.livejournal.com]

Wait, let me see if I have this right.

A DA in the United States was content to allow an individual guilty of attempted homicide to serve community service.

Let me guess -- he's doing public service initiatives for the kiddies? On road safety? On how important it is to aim for the hands being held between the two people on the side of the road?

Are DAs in your district elected? 'Cause, really? This guy needs to be challenged in the primary.

[usakeh.livejournal.com]

That is insane.

I'm sorry that your mother defended him; I would have lost it had I heard anybody defend the bastard. You have far more self-control than I.

[deccaboo.livejournal.com]

I can't believe this. Regardless of how someone feels about someone else's romantic relationships (which are not actually anyone's business besides the two, or occasionally more, people involved) I can't believe that your mother thinks attempted murder of two women is ok...because that's essentially what this is.

"Oh, he's from the old country and doesn't hold with divorce."
Well, tough, quite frankly. It doesn't matter whether he does or does not hold with divorce, the fact is, the law states he *is* divorced, and his ex-wife has every right to date whoever she chooses and expect that he will not interfere.

Also...community service? For aggravated driving and attempted harm on two people?!! I knew of someone, in the UK, who went to prison for 18 months for attempting to run someone off the road. Community service is not harsh enough.

[taylor-serenil.livejournal.com]

I'm bi, and dealing with that was hard enough with very supportive parents. I can't imagine what it must feel like to realize you have the choice of either hiding an important part of who you are or probable rejection by your family, who are theoretically supposed to love you no matter which consenting adult(s) you love. I've lived in a small town where I had problems because I wasn't 100% straight, and that wasn't fun, but it also wasn't my FAMILY having a problem with it.

And community service for two attempted murders is complete and utter bullshit, but unfortunately not that bizarre for LGBT-related hate crimes. I live in Texas, and down here, "homosexual panic" comes pretty close to being a legit murder defense.